Your biggest fear ? dying alone ? Gateway Women

Well, that cheered you up, didn?t it!

?Dying alone? seem to be the two words best able to bring a chill to the heart of every childless women.

And it would appear that it?s quite close to the surface in other people?s minds too, as it so often gets thrown at childfree-by-choice women as what they?ll live to regret (nice! and how are you today?) The childlfree call these comments bingos as they form a predictable pattern of ?comments? that they regularly encounter.

And yet? ?if we break the taboo (hell yeah, I like to break two or three before breakfast most days) and take a good look at this particular bogeyman, what we?ll find is a mixture of genuine human fear mixed with cultural hysteria.

We?re all born alone and we all die alone. That?s how it works.

But it?s not death we fear, it?s old age. It?s infirmity. It?s not being able to go to the bathroom or feed ourselves and not having someone kind to help us. It?s not death we fear, but loneliness, invisibility and?insignificance. We fear our vulnerability, our loss of independence.

One of the many unknowables?of old age is that we can?t predict if we?ll be a sprightly, twinkly, independent old-lady (Miss Marple is my role model) or a pain-bound, addled and confused one. The chances are that, like all?things, it?ll probably be a bit of both.

Having?children?is no guarantee of care in old age

One of the bonuses of motherhood (another thing denied to those of us who are childless by circumstance) is that it creates an?illusion?that we don?t have to worry about our old age; that our children will take care of us. However, if mothers were to allow themselves to really think about it (which, frankly, nobody wants to do), they?d realise that having children is no guarantee of care in old age.

How many people do you know who no longer have any contact with some of their children? Or whose children have died or require life-long care themselves? How many people do you know who have an old age to look forward to with a child you wouldn?t trust to park your car, let alone choose your nursing home?

Old age can be cruel. Or kind. It?s life, and not immune to slings and arrows of?outrageous?fortune.

Fear of old age is just that. Fear.

If you were to die in a month?s time, would you die alone or would you die surrounded by friends wishing you well on your journey? ?So what makes you think that you?re going to be such a different person in twenty, thirty or even forty years time that the same might not be true then? Are you planning to fall out with absolutely everyone! Do you think you?re incapable of making new friends to replace those you have ?lost? to motherhood? And don?t you think just a few of those might come out to play again once their kids have left home?

Fear of old age is fear of a loss of control. That we can?t make life turn out the way we want. Ha!

You?re already an expert in dealing with shitty outcomes

Coming to terms with not having a family when that?s what you expected, hoped for and dreamed of, has changed you. You?ve come face to face with the fact that no matter how ?good? or ?deserving? you are, shit happens. ?That despite a culture that tells us that everything can be fixed if you throw enough money at it, it?s not true. And once you?ve?grieved?the loss of that future, that identity, you are psychologically mature in a way very few ?grown ups? are these days. You?ve looked your own genetic death in the face, and survived.

Childless women don?t turn into wise old witches for nothing. Old age. The next?taboo frontier that us 1 in 5 accidental pioneers will?revolutionise!

Bring it on. Sort of.

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Come and make those new friends! Last workshops this year: Bristol 25th November,?London 8/9 December

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Jody Day (48) is the Founder of?Gateway Women: an?organisation?she founded to support, inspire and empower childless-by-circumstance women to live fertile, passionate, meaningful lives. She was nominated as a 2012 Women?s Champion by the Jo Cameron Achievers Academy and her work is a recommended resource by UCLH Reproductive Medicine Unit. She?s based in London and works with women from all over the world (in person and via Skype) who are still hopeful of becoming mothers as well as those for whom that time has passed. ?She holds a?certificate?in?integrative?counselling and is training to qualify as an integrative psychotherapist. Jody runs?groups?& workshops?for Gateway Women, as well as offering one-to-one consultations for women looking to explore issues around identity, maternity & fertility. A Godmother & Aunt many times over, but never a mother, she speaks regularly at events and in the media, and is always looking to share her empowering message with new audiences. If you would like Jody to speak at one of your events, or to write for your blog or magazine, please contact her at?jody@gateway-women.com

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Tags: a childless old age, death, fear of dying, how will I cope with not having a baby, I'm scared of dying alone, who's going to look after me when I'm old?

Source: http://gateway-women.com/2012/11/18/your-biggest-fear-dying-alone/

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